New blog

http://stephanie-myexpandingfamily.blogspot.com/

bad blogger

I am slacking on blogging these days, I have my hands full with the baby all day and when I have a free minute I look for a job or shower or try to eat.

I know things will get easier someday.

I think I am going to start a new blog just about the little man, this one has so much sadness in it from the past 6 months.

I'll post a link when I get it worked out.

I hope things get better

I went into work on Tuesday to show them my son, at the request of my co-workers. They arranged the monthly office lunch. After eating lunch and having a nice social visit my office manager told me that my job was no longer.

I was laid off. I cannot believe it, I am bummed. I loved working there and was looking forward to going back in 2 weeks - although I admit I was not looking forward to not spending my days with my son - so soon.

We just moved into my mom's house & are in the process of getting a loan to buy it. I hope I can find another job so we don't lose the house and have to move again.

Brendan's Birth Story

D and I had my best friend with us, she was staying at my house until Saturday 1/10 for her mom's funeral and wrapping up final affairs.

I was so nervous, I barely slept the night before and had an upset stomach from nerves. I also felt nauseated from the time I woe up.

D, Jess and I piled into the car, running late to make the 7:30 appointment. We made it to the hospital and checked into labor and delivery exactly at 7:30 am. While waiting to register, I heard the nurse on the phone that the rooms were all full and canceling appointments. They actually tried calling us to postpone, but we were at the new house. I got the last room available that day.

When I was hooked up to the monitors, I was told I was having contractions, although they were not regular, I had not realized what they were. My OB came into see me around and check my progress, I had not changed from my appointment on Tuesday, at 8:30 she broke my water. At 9:00, I was started on Pitocin. After I received the Pitocin I became more nauseated than earlier and got some Zofran for it, which helped it go away for a couple of hours.

I was told again how busy they were and make sure to get an epidural if I wanted one soon. I waited for a couple of hours before requesting it, and I was not in too much pain. I wanted to make sure I could receive it when the time came. I don't really remember what exact time I got the epidural, but I think it was around noon or 1 pm.

Slow with dilation, I progressed from the 1 centimeter I had arrived with to about 5 by 5 pm, the next few centimeters went fast, I was 10 by 7:30 when I was told that I could start pushing. Thee was a point whne the nurse left to go and call my OB to have her come back where I was instructed to push - I got so nauseated I was throwing up the entire 10-15 minutes I was left without the labor nurse.

The epidural had just enough pain relief, but I was still able to feel the contractions on one side of my belly, which helped me know when to push and when a contraction was coming.

I was having an okay time pushing, I was worried about pooping when I did, which the nurse assured me was fine. I had a wonderful labor and delivery nurse - her name is Kimber, she helped D and I get through what I considered to be something I was scared and nervous about.

I was so thankful to have my best friend and D in the room with me. I had wanted to have my mom and D with me when I delivered and my best friend was the next best thing, she is like a sister to me.

I was told that when I pushed Brendan's head would come down then go back up. I was getting tired of pushing after an hour and a half and over 12 hours of contractions and dilating.

My OB gave me the option of using a vaccum suction on his head and giving one last push or get ready for a c-section. By this point I was just wanting my little boy out and told her to try the vaccum suction. The nurse called to check the status of the operating rooms so we could prepare for a c-section.

One big push and the vaccum suction attached and Brendan was out! We were all surprised, the staff did not think it would be so quick. I know I could not have delivered Brendan without my Mom looking over us.

I had Brendan placed on my chest, it was amazing to see my little boy for the first time.

We stayed in the labor and delivery room that night, all mom & baby rooms were full. The nursery was also full that first night.

he's here!!!!!

Baby Brendan
Arrived 1/9/09 at 9:26pm, 8.7 lbs, 20.5 inches. I love my little boy more than I could have ever imagined. Labor story to follow when I have more time.

Baby update

I went to the Drs. on Tuesday to check my progress.

I am starting to dilate more and already effaced to 80%.

The Dr. says Brendan is likely about 8.5 pounds now and will gain .5 a week. If I don't go into labor by the morning of 1/9 I am going to get induced at 7:30 am. She does not want the baby to get too big and my blood pressure is getting higher.

I am very uncomfortable and happy that an end is in sight.

sad

Tonight my best friend came back into town to see her mom. I picked her up at the airport tonight at 10:00pm and took her to the hospital. Having just seen her mom on Monday, I was knowing she is getting worse, well I saw the change from 3 days ago. Her mom was not responsive, she couldn't talk or make eye contact.

Jessica called the Dr. to tell him to put her on a morphine drip until she passes, the same decision I had to make for my own mom. I cannot believe we are losing our moms within a month of each other. We have been best friends and through so much without this happening.

I'm heartbroken for Jessica and her brothers. I am sad that Annette is dying.

update on my Best Friend's Mom

Today I went to the hospital to visit Jessica's mom, Annette. I was wanting to go see her since her kids all live in North Carolina now. I called Jessica to verify, she was very thankful for me wanting to visit her mom. Jessica is a RN and has been talking to nurses and Drs about her mom's condition daily - but to have me go see her and tell her my thoughts was reassuring to her.

I walked in to the room and Annette recognized me immediately. I spent about 45 minutes with her talking and seeing how she was feeling, she seemed okay, but a little out of it. I know her kidneys are failing and she is now on a do not resuscitate order as per Jessica's wishes. I told her Jessica sent her love with me. Annette told me she was not ready to go yet. I told her her 2 sons are on the way to visit her - one arriving today and the other tomorrow. I pray that they get to see their mom one last time before she passes. I also pray she has no pain when she passes. She is younger than my mom was when my mom passed. Annette is in her early 50s.

I am sad for Jessica and her brothers, having to go through what I just went through. I hope that I can visit Annette once or twice more to see her before she passes.

37 weeks - Full Term!

According to Babycenter.com:
Congratulations — your baby is full term! This means that if your baby arrives now, his lungs should be fully mature and ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though your due date is still three weeks away.

Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel.

I am feeling uncomfortable and getting swelling more everyday in my feet and ankles. I am happy I did not have a Christmas baby. I did have a photo taken the other day - but I cannot find the cord to download it to my computer, it's missing at the moment.

My best friend Jessica

My best friend Jessica - who lives in North Carolina now, is from here and still has family here, her Mom being one of them. Her mom has been in poor health since we met 16 years ago. I got a voice mail from her yesterday to wish me a Merry Christmas, and she also told me her Mom is in the hospital again. Not just in any hospital department, but the ICU.

I just got off the phone with her and her Mom is not doing well, she is having liver and kidney failure and just had a heart attack. On top of this she is on oxygen, not a respirator yet, but getting a lot of oxygen support from a mask. I am worried about her, I pray she does not have to endure the loss of her Mom on top of losing my Mom this month already.

My best friend just flew out to be with me the day after my Mom died and stayed for 5 days with me to help me out. Jessica lived with my Mom and I for a year, and my Mom thought of Jessica as a second daughter.

Luckily she saw her Mom for an entire afternoon when she was here, she has been in a nursing home with broken bones. I am thankful she was able to spend some time with her before this happened.

Jessica is now making the decision to resuscitate her Mom if it is needed. She called to ask my advice, having just done this with my own Mom.

Baby Update 36 1/2 weeeks

I went to the Dr. on Monday and the baby is getting ready to come.

She said I am starting to dialate and effacement is nearly complete (80-90%). The Dr. said I would not go to my due date, labor can start anytime now. Th Dr. said if my water breaks or if I have contractions to got to the hospital - not to call them first.

I am hoping to not have a Christmas baby, for his sake - I know holiday b-days are not favorable. I'm hoping he'll wait a few more days, although I am very uncomfortable now.

I'll add a picture later from yesterday.

Christmas Day

For the first time I am not spending today with my mom. Even after getting married and moving out with D, I always went to my mom's house to spend Christmas morning with her. I instead am spending the morning with my husband. I am going to go to my in-law's house then to my family's after.

My family got together last night like we always do at my Grandma's house. This year my Aunt and Uncle were here. I know my mom's spirit was with us last night, but I sure missed her presence.

Poem of loss of a mother

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me:

I wish you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too:

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity.
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things

You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

a poem about loss

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.

If my passing has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A freindship shared, a laugh a kiss
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now. He set me free.


Author unknown.

Last year Holidays with mom and family

Here is a photo of my mom and my sister-in-law's mom last Christmas.












Here is a picture of D, my mom and I.















Here is a picture of my mom and her brother-in-law (my uncle)














D and my brother.
















My grandma















My niece and nephew

Poem about loss of a mother

Loss of A Mother Poem (From Mother to Daughter)

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

Rough days

I had a bad day yesterday and another bad one today. I am consumed with sadness. I keep replaying things over in my head, I lie awake at night thinking about my mom. I just cannot face the fact it is Christmas in a few days and I will not have her with me for the first time. I went to the mall to get a few gifts bought alone today. I left the mall in tears and cried the whole way home. I did get a few gifts purchased, luckily.

I hope I can find the strength to fake it, at least my family knows why and understands (except for my niece and nephew)

I am going to start and end my days differently from today forward. I will mention more of what it entails as I find it to be useful or not. I have to turn to my faith to help me get through this. I had been taking RCIA classes until my mom fell ill and was in the hospital, after she died I could not finish this time.

First holiday shopping

Today I bought my first holiday presents. I went to the local mall with my Grandma, my Aunt and Uncle. I was hesitant, but I got 2 presents purchased, which is a good start. I got my nephew a toy he will love, which made me happy just thinking about it. I have lots more to do.

I am thinking my mom would have wanted me to celebrate Christmas and not be so sad. One thing my mom taught me was to try to focus on the positives in life and have hope. I know she was with me when I was shopping today, I felt the love around me.

I miss her so much. I went to her office yesterday to get some HR paperwork filed and her secretary had cleaned out her office. I was very sad to walk into her office and see it without her personal touches. I started to cry. I got an envelope of cards from people who knew my mom through work and her office and cried more. I am so lucky to have had a loving caring mother liek her that touched so many lives as well as her families lives.

Tomorrow the local city newspaper will have an article about my mom in it. I will post a link to it. My mom was a department head in the city I live in, in charge of the Planning and Building Departments.

Holiday blues

I am 35 weeks pregnant and Christmas is 10 days away. I have not bought a single gift yet.

I filed for disability insurance shortly after my mom was hospitalized. I just got confirmation today I qualify for benefits, but have not received a check yet. The holidays will be rough this year financially and emotionally.

I am having such a hard time facing that Christmas is coming and my mom will not be here. Thinking about it sends tears flowing. I miss her so much. I can't help but be sad and not wanting to celebrate. I know my Grandma is on the same page as me, it will be hard for us.

I talked to D and he said we don't need to put up a Christmas tree this year or decorate. I am thankful to have an understanding husband to help me through these tough times. I don't know how I would have coped through the past 22 months since my mom was diagnosed with IBC without him.

Rose of Sharon

Rose of Sharon

My mom's name is Sharon. I am thinking of getting one of these beautiful flowers tattooed in her memory. I am still contemplating if I want to add more to it, for example the pink ribbon. I don't like pink, I did growing up, but not since I was little.