update on my Best Friend's Mom

Today I went to the hospital to visit Jessica's mom, Annette. I was wanting to go see her since her kids all live in North Carolina now. I called Jessica to verify, she was very thankful for me wanting to visit her mom. Jessica is a RN and has been talking to nurses and Drs about her mom's condition daily - but to have me go see her and tell her my thoughts was reassuring to her.

I walked in to the room and Annette recognized me immediately. I spent about 45 minutes with her talking and seeing how she was feeling, she seemed okay, but a little out of it. I know her kidneys are failing and she is now on a do not resuscitate order as per Jessica's wishes. I told her Jessica sent her love with me. Annette told me she was not ready to go yet. I told her her 2 sons are on the way to visit her - one arriving today and the other tomorrow. I pray that they get to see their mom one last time before she passes. I also pray she has no pain when she passes. She is younger than my mom was when my mom passed. Annette is in her early 50s.

I am sad for Jessica and her brothers, having to go through what I just went through. I hope that I can visit Annette once or twice more to see her before she passes.

Rough days

I had a bad day yesterday and another bad one today. I am consumed with sadness. I keep replaying things over in my head, I lie awake at night thinking about my mom. I just cannot face the fact it is Christmas in a few days and I will not have her with me for the first time. I went to the mall to get a few gifts bought alone today. I left the mall in tears and cried the whole way home. I did get a few gifts purchased, luckily.

I hope I can find the strength to fake it, at least my family knows why and understands (except for my niece and nephew)

I am going to start and end my days differently from today forward. I will mention more of what it entails as I find it to be useful or not. I have to turn to my faith to help me get through this. I had been taking RCIA classes until my mom fell ill and was in the hospital, after she died I could not finish this time.

Holiday blues

I am 35 weeks pregnant and Christmas is 10 days away. I have not bought a single gift yet.

I filed for disability insurance shortly after my mom was hospitalized. I just got confirmation today I qualify for benefits, but have not received a check yet. The holidays will be rough this year financially and emotionally.

I am having such a hard time facing that Christmas is coming and my mom will not be here. Thinking about it sends tears flowing. I miss her so much. I can't help but be sad and not wanting to celebrate. I know my Grandma is on the same page as me, it will be hard for us.

I talked to D and he said we don't need to put up a Christmas tree this year or decorate. I am thankful to have an understanding husband to help me through these tough times. I don't know how I would have coped through the past 22 months since my mom was diagnosed with IBC without him.

Burial & reflections

Yesterday my family buried my mom. We had a large turn out of friends and family at the funeral. I had so many people tell me wonderful things about her. I was unable to speak at the service, but my mom's best friend and my 10 year old niece spoke. It was a hard day for all of us, we had our final chance to say good-bye to her body. I know her spirit left her body a week ago when she passed.

I have had a week to think about her passing. I know my mom is in a better place and not in any pain anymore and even though I miss her with my whole heart. I know it was the best thing for her even if it happened 20 or more years before most people die. I know now I made the right choice in treatments in her last few days of her life. I live with no regrets. She knew how loved she was by our family and her closest friends.

I miss her so much, my heart feels heavy and a piece of it died last week. I lay awake at night thinking about the last 31 years of my life with her and the last month of her life.

I wanted so much for her to be there in person when I deliver and to pass on to me more words of wisdom about being a mother. Her and I had talked about when I was to go on maternity leave we would spend our days together with baby B. I know she will always be in my life and I know she will be there as Brendan's guardian angel.

Heaven

My mom passed away today a little after 4pm.

I spent from 8-1:30 pm with her and left for a little while to got look around her house for her will and start figuring out funeral arrangements.

at 3:30 pm I got a frantic call from my grandma saying her breathing was getting worse and she was sounding like she was in pain. I rushed back to the hospital with D. I had talked to my Grandma again and asked her to get the Dr. to increase her morphine drip.

My mom was in respiratory failure when I arrived, although it had been going on since last night, getting worse as the day went on. My brother and my grandma were also there, we are grateful my mom did not pass alone, she was surrounded by our loving family.

I am numb yet heartbroken beyond words. My mom was a beautiful 62 year old woman who I admired and I hope with all my heart I can be just like her. She fought the battle against inflammatory breast cancer (IBC) for 22 months.

When I came into the hospital room this morning, I whispered "I love you to her" and she whispered back "I love you too". I also told her more than once that it was okay to go, that we would miss her - but be okay. I assured her my brother and I would take care of our grandma.

I know that my mom is in a better place now, free of pain and cancer. I know she will be watching over us as an Angel.

things keep getting worse

So I have not posted in a few days, it's been too hard to talk about.

On Monday my mom got radiation and things went okay. I talked to her Radiologist after the treatment and mentioned that my mom had been having back pain. He ordered a MRI of her spine, and we were told my mom has cancer running down the bones that are around her spine. No wonder she has been in so much pain : (

On top of that yesterday the Drs were in talking to us and noticed her breathing was not good, they did a chest x-ray to see if she had an infection, which she does not. The Drs. say she is likely going into respiratory failure again. We had to make a decision on if we wanted to resuscitate her if her respiratory failed again. We decided not to.

As of now my mom was moved to a Oncology room and is receiving morphine to help her pain and keep her comfortable.

I just spend the last 12 hours by her side - heartbroken. I pray she has no pain when she passes. I cannot believe this is happening, we thought she was getting better and going to come home soon to live out the remainder of her life. Today is my grandma's birthday. I told my mom how much I love her and she said it back, at least she knows how much I care about her.

sad days

Well I posted the other day that we were told that the cancer has spread to my mom's brain. I saw the MRI photos and it does not look good. My mom has multiple areas of disease in her brain, it is already showing some signs in her memory and motor skills. I have to make a decision to do treatment or not. I will not do anymore chemo because it made her feel so bad. I want to keep my mom in as little pain as possible. The other option is radiation - which I am hesitant to go for. My brother does not want to do any more treatment, although he has had this opinion before we knew of the new spread to the brain. I have a tough decision ahead to make, I need to try and decide by Monday.

I had a meeting with a radiation dr. today, he thinks it is worth a try to go for radiation to extend her quality of life, essentially slow the growth of the tumors so she can retain some of her brain function.

I am so sad. I have never felt this kind of sadness in my life, it's overwhelming. My heart just aches. I love my mom so much and it is hard knowing she will not be around much longer. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have her healthy and cancer free. I hate cancer, I pray everyday for a cure. I pray that no one else has to endure his horrible disease.

If no more treatment is given they give her 3-6 months to live. Our family is devastated.

Sad

As I posted the other day my mom's condition which landed her in the ICU has improved, which I am very thankful for and blessed to still have my mom around today.

I got some bad news from her Dr. on a C/T test of her brain they did on Friday. She said that it is looking like the cancer has metastasized to her brain. We are still waiting for results on a biopsy from her lungs, I pray that nothing is shown to be in there too. I am going to request an official scan done to see where in her body the cancer may have spread to.

Just when I thought things were looking up for my mom I get news like this. Nothing can ever prepare you to hear the Drs say those words to you.

My mom is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without her. I guess I always imagined that she and I would grow older together and have a great relationship like her and her mom do. I don't have a father, my mom was my only parent growing up. We have a small family.

I am crushed by this news. I hope that God can give me strength to get through the days that lie ahead.

Update on my mom

My mom is still in the hospital they moved her to the Cardiac ICU on Wednesday. She is still on a ventilator - not able to breathe on her own yet. Her lungs have improved a little so they turned down the amount of supported breathing she is getting. But she was to have a chest x-ray today and when they tried to move her off the ventilator the amount of oxygen she was getting dropped too low - means she cannot be off the ventilator yet. The Drs were impressed early today with her improvement then she had this set back this afternoon.

I am worried sick, I have been spending 8-12 hours a day at the hospital by my mom's side. I pray to her and talk to her to try and encourage her strength to get better. The bad part is that she just had chemo a week ago and the chemo is still making her very weak and will continue to have that effect for another week.

I still need prayers for her to recover, I love my mom so much and she is my best friend. I want her around for longer. I have been praying my heart out for her recovery.

Please pray

Yesterday I had to take my mom to the ER after finding her very weak and tired. She had chemo this weekend. My mom has an infection which they are calling "septic" and on top of that had a heart attack and now is in the ICU fighting to stay alive.

I am devestated as the rest of my family is too. If you are religious please please pray for her. If you are not religious then please send positive thoughts our way.

I don't usaully ask for prayers or dust, but I need everything I can get. I just am going back to the hospital for the night. Sleep is not coming easy. All of our family from out of town is in route to here now.

I am heartbroken beyond belief.

Feeling blue

I have been a wreak this week, I have woken up every night with bad thoughts popping into my mind. I lay awake and try to convince myself to calm down and go back to bed. I had to take an anti anxiety pill one night to settle down. I hope that this does not hurt the baby - all the stress I am enduring now. I can only pray that this will not harm his development.

I had my Mom over for dinner last night and made a huge dinner so she could take home at least hald the leftovers. I know she has not been cooking as much as she used to with energy lacking. I made a yummy Shepard's Pie, which is a wonderful comfort food for my Mom and I.

I hate cancer

So we went to see another Oncologist on Friday hoping to hear some good news, but did not.

My Mom's cancer is not curable. She will have to remain on Chemo for the remainder of her life to slow the growth of the cancer and t0 try to control the spreading. I want to have her around as long as I can without her in any pain or suffering.

I am devestated.

I am not going to have my Mom around as long as I had always hoped. My Mom is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without her. I am going to spend as much time with her as I can and I hope that she can spend as much time with the baby once he is here.

I wish someone could find a cure already.

I have lost too many people in my life from cancer. Where does it end?

still sad

I had a sad day all day yesterday, and today it continues. As my husband would put it, I am empathetic to a fault.

I stopped taking anti-depression medicine when we began TTC, and this is the result. I hate having to rely on a medicine to make me more normal. I hope that I can go back on them soon...I feel like I'm a mess without them.

Sadness today

I found out that this lady lost her fight to IBC this morning. Her name is Susan, her husbands name is Warren. I don't know much more than that other than she had been okay earlier this month, nad now is in the hands of God. He battle against IBC ended this morning at M.D. Anderson in Houston, Texas around 10 AM.

I just wish a cure could be found, it's hard to know what a deadly disease Breast Cancer can be, especially IBC. I still have hope though, I have heard of survivors of IBC up to 17 years.

I have a stupid business trip to go to tomorrow night - only an overnight trip, so not bad. I just don't feel like being away for a night.